My Bloody Valentine
A Little Reminiscing
by Dean Vanderkolk
Perhaps you've wondered to yourself, in a dark moment that you've never revealed to anyone, what it would look like if a midget with breast implants were to be skewered on a pick axe. If so, My Bloody Valentine is the film for you.
While re-watching this film on DVD, I flashed back to the night when I decided I’d actually experience this movie in the theater so that I could fully enjoy all the film had to offer. I arrived in plenty of time for the show. I looked at the board listing show times, and I inquired of the gentleman who sold the tickets.
"Have you sold out for ‘My Bloody Valentine’?"
"In fact, you're the first guy who has even asked about a ticket for that movie."
Somehow, I’m not surprised.
I head into the theater and settle in for the film. It's set in one of those towns where everyone is either just out of college or retired. Nothing in between. Consequently, many people are performing jobs that they are much too young for. At one point, I thought to myself, "There goes the bravest 14 year old police woman I've ever seen."
The plot involves a group of miners, who, years ago, were stranded in a cave in. Only one survived, chiefly because he murdered all the others in an effort to conserve the air supply. Understandable, if not condonable. This guy is in a coma when he is discovered, and remains that way for an entire year. He then wakes up, murders everyone in the hospital and slaughters about twenty teenagers who are having a kegger in the abandoned mine. WTF? He committed horrible crimes out of the survival instinct, and wakes up a serial killer?
The movie is full of plot holes, poor scripting and several times it cheats, too.
In one scene, we clearly see the killer assault one of the leads, injuring him and locking him in a cage before murdering the other person in the scene. Obviously, our confined young lead can't possibly be the killer. WRONG!!!! He IS the killer. You see, he suffers from delusions and committed all of the murders himself, and the scene we saw was all in his head. He injured himself, killed the other person, and then locked himself in the cage. I call shenanigans on that, folks.
The movie does feature the best 3-D I had ever seen. The crew makes excellent use of deep focus (in which all of the items in the frame remain in focus, no matter if they are in the foreground or the background), and this really enhances the 3-D aspect of the film.
Too bad they didn't let me keep the glasses.
Dean Vanderkolk is a freelance writer based out of Detroit, Michigan, so he obviously knows scary. When not dodging gunfire, he works as the head writer for Wolfman Mac's Chiller Drive-In, seen nationally on the Retro Television Network. He is currently scripting a feature film, an original short horror comedy and is developing an original web series, all of which will begin production in 2011. Mr. Vanderkolk is currently seeking representation. If you are interested in working with Dean - please email him at firstname.lastname@example.org