SCHLOCK it TO ME!
Reviewed by Pigamortis Wrex
FACES of SCHLOCK: Boobs and Blood Edition
In Association with Gonzoriffic Productions
Written and Directed by Andrew Shearer
"Mike Wuz Here"
Directed by Justin Channell
"One Foot in the Grave"
Directed by Chris LaMartina
Directed by Henrique Couto
Well, this is by far a movie that is EVERYTHING you expect it to be from the title.
We have a lovingly crafted homage to 80's style gore with a whole mess of boobs and chicks making out to keep you interested thru those pesky NON-killin scenes.
Created by four directors who should all probably be on some sort of government watch list of some kind, Faces gives us four tales hosted by your fanged creepy whore-er host "Slutpira".
Our first tale "Blood Witch" is about a skanky goth broad named Lucia who manages, through the use of her generic black book of spells to bring back "the Blood Witch". A demonic assassin who kills all she is commanded to. Soon noone is safe from Lucia's ridiculous wrath. Not her bible-thumping roommate, not telemarketers, not the bug man (who made me LOL more than once), not even Lucia herself.
The next tale "MIKE WUZ HERE" features Josh Lively, TJ Rogers, Zane Crosby and Heather Lucas. These were the folks behind "Raising the Stakes" and "Die and Let Live" which if you HAVE NOT seen, you really should, its funny stuff!
This tale is about a fella named Derek applying for the job as a theatre manager since the previous manager had since died. One small hitch to this job, one of the employees is Mike, a ghost who has also committed suicide after being fired from his job but still remains on the payroll, despite being unliked by most of the staff. I don't know, I didn't write this! I WILL give Kudos for the shout out to "Booberry" in this film! (Suck it, Dimension) The film tackles some touchy subjects on anti ghost sentiment and ghost bigotry (make that BOOGOTRY), but its handled in a sensitive, respectful manner that makes you think. When Mike gets fed up with Derek's new management and possesses him, all Hell breaks loose and the carnage follows. (Spoiler: No nekkid broads in this story.)
The next story, "One Foot in the Grave", Directed by Chris LaMartina (Grave Mistakes, Book of Lore, Faces of Schlock 2) tells of a beautiful dancer,Katie(Sara Cole) who loses her foot due to incompetent malpractice by a freaky foot doc (George Stover). Normally, that would sideline a dancer and probably send her off the deep end to suicide or at least to countless hours of couch time in therapy. But not our girl... this is just a minor set back as she goes to black magic for her solution. Why does everyone go RIGHT to the black magic? Sheesh. Dr.Scholl (YES that is the foot doc's name... C'mon the movie is called "FACES OF SCHLOCK") better watch out!
Katie's foot comes back from the grave(?) and seeks vengence. Never knew a foot could hand out such an ass kickin! Hahahah See what i did there? Ok, I'm sorry. All the puns and crappy jokes in this movie just got me in that mindset.
Our final terrible tale comes from the mind of Andrew Shearer and directed by Henrique Couto (Satans House of Yoga, SlumberParty Murder Mania, Headcheese). And WHAT A MIND IT IS! Mr. Couto seems to embrace the idea of schlock and he excels at it. Our foul mouthed character Biancaaka "TRASH" (Ruby LaRocca) is left at home for Christmas as punishment by her parents for getting expelled from school. Her parents cut off the power and the phone while they are away (how utterly convenient) So like any teen left home for the holidays, she gets drunk and shows off her newly pierced nipples. I think this was the original script for "HOME ALONE". Couto makes a Hitchcockian cameo in his film and plays the perfect drooling, horny mongoloid psycho, perv, Toby. When her ridiculously nerdy classmate Deb stops by to help Bianca with her science, things go from bad to worse. Mr. Couto doesnt pretend to be reinventing the wheel with this film. To be honest i don't even think he pretends to know what a wheel IS in this film. Its simply boobs and blood and he does something alot of folks have forgotten how to do, entertain. Not a bad combo. So Kudos to Couto.
If you're not some film snob who needs some plot driven story or some crazy twist worthy of a shamalanyan ending, then this movie is for you. Just check your brains at the door and enjoy what the Schlock Gods have offered you.